Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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