enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize