My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
