Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
