Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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