so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
