and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
