i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
