So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
