a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
time to smoke my breakfast
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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