You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
ttyl tear gas
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
