i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just had sex on a roof
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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