nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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