I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Ladies don't puke and tell
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
