My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
