i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
