walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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