I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
not ubering you a puppy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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