remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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