If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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