the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
