I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
