So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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