Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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