wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
