Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize