Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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