Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
