This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
