Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
