no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
