i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
