Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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