I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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