I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
