Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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