Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
