she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
