I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
