After last night, I could never be a politician.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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