I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize