my sisters under your porch take her home
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
