Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
