i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
