I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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