I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize