Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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