And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My balls are so social today.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
