people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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