I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
sarcasm needs its own font
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
