I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
