Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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