I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
