I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
