When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
