Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
