There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
