Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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