No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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