could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
