Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
