We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
