I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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