My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
