Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
