I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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