you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
